Online Dating Isn’t Fun Anymore
Words by Kennedy Smith
Since the mid-nineties, online dating has been a part of the modern era. Thirty years later, over half of young Americans alone have used dating apps. However, recent internet discourse from younger Millennials (1981-1996) and older Gen Z (1997-2012) has erupted over a common sentiment– dating apps are over (for the most part).
People get on dating apps or online dating sites for all kinds of reasons: disability, a hectic schedule, limited IRL connections, being fearful of vulnerability/intimacy, or simply for convenience. Getting dressed, going to a bar near you, and maybe meeting someone you are interested in is not the same as scrolling through singles in your area right before bed or getting with your friends to swap dating profiles for fun.
That being said, so much of being on dating apps can be more exhausting than rewarding. According to a 2024 survey conducted by Forbes Health and OnePoll, 79% of Gen Z report feeling burnt out from swiping through endless profiles. When I was on the apps, everything felt so fleeting. The only joy I got was from the occasional creative compliment or a silly profile. As time grew on, my irritation grew with it, and I could only last on a dating app for a month or two before taking a year-long detox. This happened multiple times over four years or so until I got off for good in early 2024. I just couldn’t deal with dating apps anymore, and I wasn’t alone. In the UK, the top four dating apps (Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and Grindr) have seen a dip since 2023. If you don’t have experience with dating apps, here is some of what I ran into: constantly being prompted to buy the premium version of the app, ghosting fatigue, misleading images (meaning people that probably are cute IRL but don’t take the best pictures, people who look better in their pictures, or a definitive catfish), swiping “no” on so many likes or barely seeing any likes every time you log on, raising the mile radius and then shrinking it down to an absurd number to see if anyone new will pop up, skipping someone you might be into because you only have so many likes left, good conversation that never leaves the app, mediocre conversations that should have stayed on the app but ended up turning into a date, being told by the app to come back later because you’ve looked through every single person near you… The list goes on.
So, where should we go from here when it comes to dating? Sliding in the DM’s is still popular, and I have heard that it has become the best-kept secret to meeting people without having to make a dating profile. But smartphones and social media are over, too. Having everything at your fingertips may no longer be what Man desires. It could be the fact that fashion trends have a resurgence every 20 years, but there has been an increase in aesthetically pleasing throwback images of flip phones clipped to someone’s hip, or to their pointed-toe boots. YouTubers have gone to the lengths of doing “experiments” on themselves where they get rid of their smartphones for a certain amount of time just to get a break. Social media is likely the leading cause of these smartphone breaks, even if temporarily, and the return of landlines and phones that physically click when you type.
“Major social media apps just aren’t fun any more,” writes Thom Waite for Dazed Digital, “More often than not, their algorithms serve up a torrent of nonsensical, AI-generated slop, boring engagement posts, violent fight videos, porn bots, and right-wing rants. (And that isn’t just a reflection of users’ morbid interests; this content is disproportionately amplified, pretty much across the board.)
As I scroll through Instagram, I have seen more than one ad of a company dedicated to getting people off of social media, otherwise known as a “social media detox”, or at least limiting the time spent on these apps. Although many people have had enough of constantly being on a dopamine rollercoaster, it doesn’t bode well for people trying to find love outside of dating apps. It is a bleak time for dating, but has this forced the younger generation to go back to the basics of meeting someone organically? Not really.
As dating apps and making romantic connections through social media start to get the cold shoulder, it is no surprise that our loneliness epidemic has still stayed put. Social media has made it so that we are forced to interact with people almost exclusively online. This eventually leads us to a sense of fatigue. As we stare at unfulfilling content on our screens all day for pleasure and/or business, the next thing we usually want to do is rest by ourselves rather than get up, find a place IRL, and interact with more people. Even if people looking for love want to take it to the streets, where are places to go that we can stay awhile, find connection, and not spend that much money? Something that has become a popular discussion on social media has been the idea, and lack, of the Third Place. The First Place is your home, the Second Place is your work, and the Third Place is an easily accessible public space where a diverse group of people can gather, that is low or no cost. In the U.S., there are not that many Third Places anymore outside of public parks that can only be largely enjoyed in comfortable weather, or public libraries that continue to have their funding cut. Here, there are many places with no sidewalks and limited public transportation. We usually have to travel by car, and by doing so, our neighborhood passes us by, leading us to feel disconnected from the people and places around us.
With the lack of Third Places, young adults can also struggle to build on their IRL social skills.
In Mina Le’s video essay “third places, stanley cup mania, and the epidemic of loneliness”, she cites Marlon Twyman II, a quantitative social scientist at USC Annenburg who specializes in social network analysis, who said, in part, “Human relationships have suffered and their complexity has diminished [because of social media]... Many of our interactions are now occurring in platforms designed to promote transactional interactions… many people do not have much experience or practice interacting with people in settings where there are collective or communal goals for a larger group.” Not having the tools to communicate in person the way that you want to can fester anxiety, with Gen Z frequently being referred to as the most anxious generation.
I have procrastinated over the worry of calling to make a doctor’s appointment, and I have had my heart absolutely pounding out of my chest before a first date, rehearsing again and again how to casually greet a stranger. Since high school, I haven’t had as much experience communicating with people IRL as I have had communicating with people online, and it’s hard for me to find places to practice casual conversations, unless I want to pay $150 a month to find a community at my local yoga studio.
Of course, something like a yoga studio is a place to socialize that is not our homes or our places of work. But many of these places are not actually called Third Places, but rather “non-places” or “Ersatz third places”, as we build a larger focus on creating the perfect First Place rather than advocating for more adequate Third Places. Basically, none of these offer an escape from loneliness or prompt us to lean into community. Mina Le dives into all three of these concepts in her video essay. In short, Ray Oldenburg, author of The Great Good Place (1989) categorizes non-places as a setting where “individuality disappears and you’re either a customer, a client, an address to be billed or a car to be parked,” as opposed to a “real place” where “a human being is a unique, individual person.” Think of a non-place like having to drive to a restaurant to meet a date, where you pay $13 for 2 hours of parking and $40 for your food. The price is too high to have diverse regulars, including yourself, and, to twist the knife, you’re on a time crunch, lest you spend another $13.
The definition of non-places is similar to Ersatz places, a term coined by Allie Conti for the Atlantic, where “establishments that are either too expensive for the average American or apparently designed to disincentivize lingering.” An example could be the Atlanta Beltline, a 22-mile trail through the city that may seem like an area geared to figuratively and literally connect the city, but rather is meant to be moved through and is lined with pricey bars and restaurants (don’t ever stop walking on the beltline unless you want to be run over by a person on a bike, scooter, or roller skates). I will say, it is a good start, with a free park attached to a skate park along the way as well as places to linger here and there where you don’t have to spend money to sit down.
With the lack of real Third Places, many people have returned to the First Place, giving more attention to building on their home, inside and out. Especially after the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Second and First Place have consolidated into one for many people. Although redecorating your room or planting a small private garden isn’t bad for you, this doesn’t make us any less lonely or any more connected to our neighbors. The more attention we put on our home, the uglier and less looked after the public spaces around us become, so when it’s time to put yourself out there, there is likely a small list of options, even in a busy city. In this way, we have been pushed to be lonely, whether we consume a $20 crafted cocktail or not, but especially when we don’t.
With all of this said, we might be faced with the raw question: when it comes to dating, what do we have to look forward to, anyway? I don’t spend much of my time on TikTok, but when I do get on there, I am bombarded with harsh opinions on love and relationships. So many people with theories, “hot takes” and doubling down on “if they wanted to they would”, and it made me pessimistic for anyone looking for love.
“Generally, online dating advice – like much of self-help culture — places the onus on the individual,” Dr. Jenny van Hooff, senior lecturer in sociology at Manchester Metropolitan University, explained for Dazed in the article When Did Dating Advice Get So Savage?, “This kind of advice is popular because it promises certainty in an uncertain world. It suggests that if you follow a specific set of rules, you can guarantee success.”
There is so much to keep in your mind, watch out for, or to test your partner or potential partner on. I wondered if there was ever a point in people putting themselves out there to begin with. Specifically for women interested in men, the question of “what is there to look forward to” becomes exponentially pertinent in the era of social media. From “Boyfriend Air”, a TikTok phenomenon where women say they get uglier after being in the presence of their boyfriend, to able-bodied men who were never taught how to adequately survive (maintain a clean environment, be hygienic, be helpful to others), some heterosexual relationships leave men, single or taken, with a worse reputation than they already have.
I wrote this article, and in a way, I’m afraid that I contributed to the narrative that there is no way for young people to happily find love. But there is always a way. As far as Third Places go, they may be on the rise because of the pandemic and quarantine, although they could look different than they have in the past. It is important to remember that Third Place connections, platonic or otherwise, are important because they offer affiliation (a.k.a. a more casual connection) to a group of people.
Ray Oldenburg explains, “We need intimacy and affiliation. If we don’t have intimacy, affiliation only dulls the ongoing sense of emptiness in our lives. But if we don't have affiliation, then only having intimate human contact makes it feel like human contact is a burden. Third Places offer that ease. You can see different people every day that you go, and you don't have to schedule in advance with anyone in particular. If someone cancels on you, you can still go and have fun.”
This ease builds casual connection, and broadening your network can lead to romance! So being on the hunt for Third Places, or creating one yourself, is crucial to setting yourself up for pleasurable bonds and to practice socializing and being seen by your neighbors/community.
If you feel more comfortable staying on dating apps, there are ways to recover from “dating burnout”, like taking time off or reassessing your own intentions (are you on to practice flirting at your convenience? Are you just trying to find hookups? Are you open to finding a long term connection?). In the meantime, taking up a hobby can be a way to become less consumed in the dating apps, thus warding off burnout (for now). Places in Atlanta like Scraplanta were created to “make the arts more accessible and sustainable for the community”, as they offer sliding scale craft workshops like sewing circles and paper making classes inside of a reusable craft store. Hobbies that are more group-centered rather than something to do alone, like getting a massage or meditating, can be a great way to begin planting the seeds of finding meaningful connection face-to-face.
There are also places sprouting up, albeit mostly based in New York City, dedicated to in-person matchmaking for the ones that want off the apps, but are willing to spend a little money and still want a space that is exclusively meant for dating. Events like We Met IRL are becoming popular, who do speed dating or “Pitch My Friend” events in New York, Houston, and DC for singles aged 25-35. There are also more unique singles events around the U.S., like The Feels, which pairs you with someone and offers a mixture of intimate questions and somatic activities like hugging and sustained eye contact (if you’re comfortable).
So, dating apps are on the decline, young people are overall lonely and a bit socially awkward, but the popularity of the Third Place discussion and budding matchmaking events keep hope alive that although online dating is ingrained in romantic culture, there are other avenues to find your right person, or right now person, even if it takes some social practice and trying a spot you’ve never been to before. We are all a part of a neighborhood or a community, so in a weird way, we are all in this together to help one another find who we are looking for. Best of luck.